Sunday, August 12, 2012

Infertility Alongside Adoption

Infertility is a shadow.

I move forward, skipping barefoot down a one-way dirt road. I thought I could escape.

God planted a dream of adoption in us. It is engrained in our souls. It makes us giddy. It fills us with profound hope. It gives us direction, a gorgeous vision.

But infertility lingers in the corner. A sorrow. A longing for something I may never experience.

I witness others beaming with the blessings of pregnancy. I hear the joy. They are glistening. And others are for them, too.

I am feeling pain from losses.

I will not grow my babies in my womb.
I will not see their first smile.
I will not have pictures from their first breaths, weeks, months, or perhaps several years.
I may not hear their first words.
They may not easily cling to me for comfort.

And, I will experience with them their losses of birthfamily, culture, and environment.

And, it hurts my bones.

Adoption is beautiful.
But, it comes with losses.
All over.

And, I am feeling them.
Katie Davis wrote the following in Kisses from Katie:
I see the sadness, but I also see the redemption. I have learned along my journey that if I really want to follow Jesus, I will go to the hard places. Being a Christ follower means being acquainted with sorrow. We must know sorrow to be able to fully appreciate joy. Joy costs pain, but the pain is worth it. After all, the murder had to take place before the resurrection.
I’ll be honest: The hard places can seem unbearable. It’s dark and it’s scary, and even though I know God said He will never leave or forsake me, sometimes it’s so dark that I just can’t see Him. But then the most incredible thing happens: God takes me by the hand and walks me straight out of the hard place and into the beauty on the other side. He whispers to me to be thankful, that even this will be for His good.

It takes a while sometimes, coming out of the dark place. Sometimes God and I come out into a desert and he has to carry me through that too. Sometimes I slip a lot on the way out and He has to keep coming back to get me. Always, on the other side is something beautiful, because He has used the hard place to increase my sense of urgency and to align my desires with His. I realize that it was there that He was closest to me, even in the times when I didn’t see Him. I realize that the hard places are good because it is there that I gained more wisdom, and though with wisdom comes sorrow, on the other side of sorrow is joy. And a funny thing happens when I realize this: I want to go to the hard place again. Again and again and again.

So we go. This is where our family is today and where I hope to stay--loving, because He first loved us. Going into the hard places, entering into the sorrow because He entered for us first and because by His grace, redemption and beauty are on the other side.

Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
~Romans 5:3-5


  1. Although you may not experience the physical aspect of carrying a child, you will experience the amazing love and bond that you will have with your child(ren). It's a love that is truly from God. Your child(ren) will be so loved and that's something that, sadly, not every child gets to experience. God truly has a hand in your whole adoption. :)

  2. I wish I had words that could help mend those feelings. Even though it is what has sent you on a wonderfully redemptive path, I'm sorry it causes so much pain. Wishing you peace.

  3. "But infertility lingers in the corner. A sorrow. A longing for something I may never experience."
    EXACTLY. So much pain, but so much joy and glory when you all are a family.
    Thank you for sharing this today. It truly touched deep in my heart.

  4. This post touched my heart too. Sending love and hugs and wishes things could be easier. Xo