Tuesday, April 26, 2011


Hey ya'll.

I am so thankful to be back on blogger...our laptop got a virus! I think we actually got it through another blog site, and unfortunately we didn't have an antivirus software, so, our computer got sick. But, the Geek Squad (a.k.a. Best Buy) fixed it up, and it is all happy now. I can't wait to catch up with all of you!

Before I forget, I wanted to respond to a question I was asked about my husband's job as a police officer. I was asked if I worry for his safety. Sure, I do. Not daily, but when Colin tells me stories about him having to draw his gun or break down doors, the reality sets in that his is a very dangerous job. When I did the ride-a-long last week, he brought along another bulletproof vest 'just in case' for me. I'm not sure if that comforted me or scared me.

It is CD 43 and still no AF. And, I haven't even tested yet! How crazy am I?!? I don't have any tests at home, and I think I would rather get a BFN by waiting for AF than testing and getting only one line or a vicious 'NOT PREGNANT' read on the tester yet again. Even Colin is jaded. A couple of days ago he said that we should just wait another week before testing. He used to get so excited if I was late...putting his hand on my belly...asking me if I had any signs of pregnancy...the light in his eyes. That was four years ago. I want so badly to give him that excitement again. Please God. Someday.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Police Officer For a Day

My husband, Colin, has been a police officer since October 2010. Bless his heart, he signed me up to go on a ride-a-long with him this past Saturday! I was unsure how it would go, but I LOVED it! It was so much fun. My favorite part was running license plates to see if the owner had any warrants, suspensions, etc.

In 8 hours with Colin, I got to witness a variety of situations. He pulled someone over for a faulty brake light, which turned into a citation for driving under a suspended license. He responded to a call of a dog biting a young child. He drove on the freeway to attempt to find a swerving vehicle. He arrested a person who had a warrant out. He went down to the rec center where teenagers hang out.

As much as I enjoyed the day, I could never be a police officer. I feel so sorry for when people are written citations or arrested, even though they always deserve them. And I have to shut my mouth for wanting to counsel them or say it is going to be alright. I used to work on a behavioral health floor at a hospital, so it is very difficult for me to not empathize with them or try to motivate them.

But, I think I did good. Except, Colin did catch me in the act of rubbing his neck while out on the road...he said it probably wasn't a good idea if citizens saw a passenger doing this to an officer. Oops!

On a side note, it is CD 35 for me today. Last month, AF came on CD 32...but the month before it was CD 39. And 27 the month before that. SO, it is very difficult for me to track if I am truly "late". I think I will wait until at lesat day 39 to take any tests, though. Why? Because I am jaded. I am tired of spending the money on tests, getting that hope riled up inside of me, and being let down hard.

So, I wait.

Saturday, April 16, 2011


Weather is bipolar in Wisconsin. One day it can be 50 degrees with snow on the ground. The next day it may be 73 degrees, all the snow melts, and there are 5 tornadoes that take over the state. Days later it is cold and snows more.

It's true, this past week we did have 5 tornadoes. Praise God, there were no fatalities like there were further south. The county I live in was in a tornado "warning" (meaning tordadoes were spotted), but luckily they did not venture into the city I live in. I saw the devastating damage the next day on tv. Houses torn apart, trees uprooted and covering cars, and messes I wouldn't know how to begin to clean up.

Truth be told, I LOVE storms. I am in awe of the power of God as I watch for lightning, listen to thunder, and smell the rain that is pouring down. I like watching the changing colors of the sky and hearing the birds chirping with relief afterwards.

SOMETIMES, my life feels like one big tornado warning.

Warning: Infertility to continue for 4+ years.
Warning: Hormones to affect emotions and cause flooding and thunder.
Warning: Damage to be done with possibility to weaken faith.
Warning: Storms to affect households and places of employment.

These warnings can go on and on and on. We HAVE to see the beauty in it.

We have to take a moment to smell the rain...

watch the beauty in the unfolding sky...

and listen for chirping relief from birds.

We CAN feel relief from the storms. We must look to the Sky. We have to climb and climb and climb, exhausted from ducking for safety to avoid flying debris. But through faith and determination, we can reach that point of true trust and surrender. We CAN feel safe. We CAN survive the storms.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Control and Balance

You are never too old to dream another dream or set a new goal. ~C.S. Lewis

I love this quote by C.S. Lewis. Sometimes I come up with excuses (both consciously and subconsciously), including that I am too old to begin something new, that are self-sabotaging.

Insecurity plays a big part in these excuses. Last year I read So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore. It was such a great read and I should probably read it again someday and really delve into the truths of insecurity.
Beth says to think about a person (or multiple people) that you think really "has it together". Ex. "She is so blessed because she is skinny." Or "She is so lucky because she has the perfect family." Or "She has it really together because she has achieved financial success." What you fill in is your biggest insecurity. Interesting, huh?

I can think of a lot of insecurities I've got. One is balance. I want so badly to be able to balance life well: work, time with my husband, time with family, cleaning, sleep, cooking, exercising, laundry, and spending time with God.

I love managing. And I love doing all of these things for both myself and my husband and family. But it is difficult. And it is something I have been struggling with.

Colin has been so helpful lately. But I HATE to delegate tasks to him. I want so badly to be able to do it all. I feed off of multitasking, but yet, I wind up stressed in the end. I know I have to find a balance, and that will always be a work-in-progress. Like I said, Colin has been AMAZING. He has cooked so many delicious meals for us and cleaned our entire home. This evening, he took me out for mexican food and surprised me with a shopping trip to the mall! He even helped pick out a dress and two summer-y shirts for me. He has been such a blessing.

One thing I know I need to improve on is my wanting to have control in everything. I can be critical, I can get nit-picky, and sometimes I seem to have a comment for everything. Gosh, I wish I wasn't like this.
This leads me to wonder if I have been "controlling" my relationship with God. Am I controlling how much I let him work in me or through me? Am I only letting Him have pieces of me and holding the rest back because of insecurity? I want to be able to give my whole self to Him. He created me and died for me; now I want to live for Him.

I want to be able to say, "I'm not too old, I'm not too insecure, I don't want the control Lord. Take it from me. Let me offer my life to You. Use me for your purpose. Humble me. I trust You."

Saturday, April 2, 2011


Hi you guys!

Doesn't "April" just sound so wonderful? It emits a sound of spring to me. In April in Wisconsin, we LOOK FORWARD to spring. As much as I love snow for Christmas, when it is still hanging around in April, I do not like it. And there is STILL a little bit in our forecast for this week. Temperatures are holding out in the 30s and 40s for highs. I don't know about you, but I am READY for sun and sandals. I am READY to have the windows wide open. I am READY for grilling out, hiking, and fishing! Bring on spring and summer!

I just got done polishing off a bowl of vegetable chili Colin made for me and a glass of blush wine. This last week I have had an awful cold I caught at work. Colin has been SO sweet to me, taking over the household chores, grocery shopping, cooking, and just taking care of me. He really is the best husband God could have paired me with. I love him so much.

On a funny note, my older cat of two himalayans, Mercedes, was diagnosed with stress. Ha! Colin took her into the vet this week. We thought she may have a UTI because for the last month or so, she has been peeing in the bathtub or on a blanket on our couch a few times a week. Well, I started my new job a little over a month ago, working 3rd shift full-time after having 3 months off. The doc said she didn't have a UTI, but her urine was concentrated and she had high levels of some chemical that indicated she was stressed! Poor kitty. So, we've just been feeding her food that's great for her urinary health and giving her extra lovin' and attention.