Shucks. AF came on Saturday, on CD 47! This is my longest cycle that I have ever been aware of. Amazingly, I was able to withhold testing. I am not sure what my feelings are. Disappointment, of course. Hesitation to believe I will ever be a mother. But I know God gave me a yearning for this for a reason. I know.
I am a very positive person, but this has been one aspect of my life I have been negative about. Not spiteful, but questioning why, when, how, etc.
When Colin and I first got married, we were both 21. I was in college and he had some college done, but had not yet started the police academy. We decided to "not" not try. This idea didn't even faze me as silly and naive, us being so young, with so much schooling ahead of us, and, well, not very financially secure at all. But, I just "knew" I wouldn't be able to get pregnant from the start.
I "know" I have no control over this (well, little control), but I have this intuition that just speaks to me. Over 4 years later, it has proven to be correct. Could be God, could be coincidence, but I think it is just intuition.
I definitely don't claim to know what is in my future, but I think one lesson God is trying to teach me is to never lose faith and to trust in Him and His almighty plan, and also to not hold back in life for something that I do not know when or how it will happen.
Sometimes this seems like an oxymoron...how do I have faith that it WILL happen, but not hold back my dreams and goals?
I think I have some major fear of making the wrong decision. Of not getting things done by the time I think I "need" to. So I hold back. I wait.
But I need to LIVE. I need to TRUST. I need to PRAY. I need to REST....