Sunday, May 1, 2011

Intuition

Shucks. AF came on Saturday, on CD 47! This is my longest cycle that I have ever been aware of. Amazingly, I was able to withhold testing. I am not sure what my feelings are. Disappointment, of course. Hesitation to believe I will ever be a mother. But I know God gave me a yearning for this for a reason. I know.

I am a very positive person, but this has been one aspect of my life I have been negative about. Not spiteful, but questioning why, when, how, etc.
When Colin and I first got married, we were both 21. I was in college and he had some college done, but had not yet started the police academy. We decided to "not" not try. This idea didn't even faze me as silly and naive, us being so young, with so much schooling ahead of us, and, well, not very financially secure at all. But, I just "knew" I wouldn't be able to get pregnant from the start.

I "know" I have no control over this (well, little control), but I have this intuition that just speaks to me. Over 4 years later, it has proven to be correct. Could be God, could be coincidence, but I think it is just intuition.

I definitely don't claim to know what is in my future, but I think one lesson God is trying to teach me is to never lose faith and to trust in Him and His almighty plan, and also to not hold back in life for something that I do not know when or how it will happen.
Sometimes this seems like an oxymoron...how do I have faith that it WILL happen, but not hold back my dreams and goals?

I think I have some major fear of making the wrong decision. Of not getting things done by the time I think I "need" to. So I hold back. I wait.

But I need to LIVE. I need to TRUST. I need to PRAY. I need to REST....

8 comments:

  1. Thinking of you... my AF arrived too after my longest cycle ever ! It's had to keep hope but we can do it :) xoxo

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  2. Boo to CD 1 and AF! I too have started again with CD 1 and AF. It just sucks! I know it's hard to stay positive, especially when it concerns yourself. Especially when it's something you long to have. I feel the same way. I am caught on the same thing you are...how do I have faith but move forward as well. Why does this have to be so hard? I wish I had all of the answers, but I learned long ago that I don't. I will continue to keep you in prayer. I hope you get the rest that you need:) Sending hugs your way!

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  3. that stinks. "how" are you trying to conceive? if you haven't already, i'd recommend trying to track ovulation by charting (temperature and/or mucus) and/or ovulation predictor kits or a monitor. that way you can have a better idea of your best times to try and what your body is doing during the month. it could be that you are not ovulating when you think you are- knowing if/when you are ovulating is key!!

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  4. "how do I have faith that it WILL happen, but not hold back my dreams and goals?" I could have written this sentence myself. As much as I try not to revolve my life around a baby, it's hard to act like we've given up, when we still want it more than anything. It's a fine line I guess, and I'm still learning...

    So sorry AF showed up, and so much later than normal. When there is more time to hope, it makes it that much harder..

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  5. I had that same feeling that something wouldn't work. Sorry my friend and here's to another cycle, right? We can't give up the hope or the fight!

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  6. You know what is weird? I had the SAME inkling that it was not going to be easy for us to conceive. I somehow knew we would have troubles even though I had no reason to believe otherwise because I was on the pill and had no idea what my normal cycles were like. Do you think maybe it's time to head back to the doctor? I have an appt tomorrow with the RE so we will see how that goes....Just wanted you to know I am thinking of you.

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  7. It must be the month for long cycles with no BFP! I had one of those too. Ugh. I will keep you in my prayers for your continued faith and for God's blessing to be a mom sooner, rather than later! :)

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