You are never too old to dream another dream or set a new goal. ~C.S. Lewis
I love this quote by C.S. Lewis. Sometimes I come up with excuses (both consciously and subconsciously), including that I am too old to begin something new, that are self-sabotaging.
Insecurity plays a big part in these excuses. Last year I read So Long Insecurity by Beth Moore. It was such a great read and I should probably read it again someday and really delve into the truths of insecurity.
Beth says to think about a person (or multiple people) that you think really "has it together". Ex. "She is so blessed because she is skinny." Or "She is so lucky because she has the perfect family." Or "She has it really together because she has achieved financial success." What you fill in is your biggest insecurity. Interesting, huh?
I can think of a lot of insecurities I've got. One is balance. I want so badly to be able to balance life well: work, time with my husband, time with family, cleaning, sleep, cooking, exercising, laundry, and spending time with God.
I love managing. And I love doing all of these things for both myself and my husband and family. But it is difficult. And it is something I have been struggling with.
Colin has been so helpful lately. But I HATE to delegate tasks to him. I want so badly to be able to do it all. I feed off of multitasking, but yet, I wind up stressed in the end. I know I have to find a balance, and that will always be a work-in-progress. Like I said, Colin has been AMAZING. He has cooked so many delicious meals for us and cleaned our entire home. This evening, he took me out for mexican food and surprised me with a shopping trip to the mall! He even helped pick out a dress and two summer-y shirts for me. He has been such a blessing.
One thing I know I need to improve on is my wanting to have control in everything. I can be critical, I can get nit-picky, and sometimes I seem to have a comment for everything. Gosh, I wish I wasn't like this.
This leads me to wonder if I have been "controlling" my relationship with God. Am I controlling how much I let him work in me or through me? Am I only letting Him have pieces of me and holding the rest back because of insecurity? I want to be able to give my whole self to Him. He created me and died for me; now I want to live for Him.
I want to be able to say, "I'm not too old, I'm not too insecure, I don't want the control Lord. Take it from me. Let me offer my life to You. Use me for your purpose. Humble me. I trust You."
Jess-- I struggle with the exact same things. I think infertility has made me realize how many things I just can't control. That has made me even more controlling about things that I can control. The clean house, cooked meals, etc. It makes me feel like I still have control over at least SOME aspects of my life. I too have trouble delegating. Even if I ask someone else to do it, it won't be done MY way. But really, does it even matter? It just needs to get done. I too have the same feelings about my relationship with God. Am I not letting myself feel his presence and love? I want to feel that peace everyday. I pray that you are doing well. Take care!
ReplyDeleteI think the feeling of wanting to control everything is amplified when going through IF. We have so little control over our bodies, so we try to make up for it in other aspects of our lives. At least that's how I feel sometimes.
ReplyDeleteColin sounds like such a wonderful husband, you two are lucky to have eachother!
What a great post. I think we, as women, feel like we need to be "super woman" and accomplish everything on our to do lists. I've learned, especially here lately, that it's ok if everything isn't done. I just want to take the time to love on my family a bit more! It's awesome to have such a supportive spouse; I know that helps for me!
ReplyDeleteHey Jess, I wanted to say that I really agree with what Amanda said. I have felt very out of control when it comes to IF, so I feel like I have to control other areas of my life instead. Like exercising, eating well, etc. Those things I can change and have control over. It is so tricky sometimes to have that balance, isn't it? I can totally relate to this post.
ReplyDeleteThankfully, we both seem to have wonderful husbands to help and support us along. Big hugs to you! xo
jess, i can always seem to relate to your posts. I feel the same way, I want to get everything done and hate having to delegate. But perhaps thats the lesson to be elarned, surrendering, asking for help, knowing we can't do it alone. And how much better do we feel when our wonderful husbands step in and help?! The idea of them doing can make us feel stressed or like a failure, but when they actually do, dont you just take a huge sigh of relief. It would be great if we could do the same with God. :)
ReplyDeleteKnow how you feel about trying to balance so many things and wondering whether it's too much.... I don't think we're ever too old - just wiser and maybe more realistic :)) xoxo
ReplyDeleteI agree with Kim's comments. Maybe we need to be humbled to surrender to God's will. One thing we can all agree on is that it's all HIS timing.
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